Monday, May 21, 2012


Hope:  This is going to be the best summer of my life.
Fear:  This is going to be one more painful chapter in a very hard year.

I'm not so far away from the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I remember it all in crippling detail.  And there are moments when it comes on me as strong as ever...those inexplicable fears and inner churnings.  Praying to God to get through the day one minute at a time, and fearing that each day would end and I would be forced awake to a new one...usually in the middle of the night.  So many nights...crying for what I gave up, crying for what I would never have again, crying for what I never really had.....  It's not so far away from me.

I see this coming summer as full of potential.  I have a job I love, a church I love, friends and family that I love.  And life is really starting to piece together again.  But here's the scary part, this is how I felt last year at this time.  I didn't know how things would turn out.  Standing there and looking forward, I thought only good things were on the horizon, finally unfolding in front of me and making my otherwise unimportant existence something exiting and interesting.  And for a moment, just a moment, that was true.  Everything seemed to exist in a surreal euphoria.  Everything I had ever wanted, dreamed of, prayed for, was finally within my grasp.  And just as swiftly, and as ugly as the spring was beautiful, the summer ended, and robbed me of everything I had, even my very sanity.

I don't want things to go back to the way they were.  No.  I have nothing to go back for.  But there are days when I'm terrified of moving forward.  Just as sure as there will be a future, it will be accompanied by its own pain and sorrows.  That is a guarantee.  And I wonder if I have the strength to face that pain, that sorrow, that fear of the unknown.

But tomorrow comes without consulting anyone first.  The sun rises without taking a survey about whether or not it should.  And as much as we try to shut it out, pull the blankets up over our heads, the morning brings with it a whole new set of trials.  But it also brings a whole new set of opportunities.  And the potential of those opportunities could be just as good as bad.

Last week was not an easy week.  This week is not starting out any easier.  I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up...but I don't know quite how...and I don't quite know what.  I just have to remind myself that it gets better.  The good days are not so far away from me.


  1. Goodness my dear friend, your words give me mixed emotions. But know this, you are in my thoughts and more importantly, you are in my prayers. Know that you are loved and that I miss your face terribly :-)