Sunday, May 13, 2012

MIA

Marriage.  It never fails that I'm confronted with the concept on a near daily basis.  It's not something that I think about all the time though it does play a role in my grander ideas for my life.  But I'm not so unhappy as a single girl. In fact, I've had a few opportunities in my life to marry, but I've never followed through on them.  I suppose that's my fault, or a sign of my good sense.  I prefer to think of it as the latter.

This weekend I sang in a wedding for the first time since October.  I've kind've been avoiding the whole singing up front thing since late last summer...when things got really bad.  But lately, it seems that everyone is determined to have me sing for something.  I was asked to sing The Star Spangled Banner for a banquet a couple of weeks ago, my grandma requested I sing a special in church for Mothers' Day, and last week my worship leader had me sing for him at church because he needs some help with praise band.  And though I'm not unhappy to do these things (I'm actually pleased and flattered to be asked), I do have my moments of uncertainty.

On my way to the rehearsal on Friday, the sun was shinning brilliantly over the freshly plowed fields of my Indiana home.  A long week of work behind me; a long country road in front of me.  The radio was on.  I knew I would be with my cousin and her family.  All signs pointed to happiness.  And yet, there was an achy, hollow feeling down inside me.  That same feeling I experienced six months ago....that same emptiness that's impossible to fill.  Singing in weddings seems to be the hardest.

I'm fairly good at shaking off the bad feelings that sometimes roost in my thoughts and dreams.  I've learned how to focus on the things that are good, wonderful, even perfect about my life.  I think about my cozy little apartment, my adorable nieces and my nephew on the way, my awesome church, my crazy wonderful family.  I am so blessed, and yet....

I suppose there are things in life that most people take for granted.  We just assume that things will happen a certain way, be a certain way, stay a certain way.  But, living teaches us otherwise.  And though this time last year, things were starting to finally fall in place, I could have never guessed that just a few months later, everything would completely fall apart.  ....And I'd be singing at other people's weddings.  But I wouldn't change it.

As the Goodmans' say, I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now.  I really like where I am in my life.  I really like that I've stayed the course on the road less traveled by.  And yet, there's still that feeling that something's missing....

1 comment:

  1. It appears that when I finally stopped checking (for there was nothing new here) you finally posted! :-)

    I relate to this post on so many levels! I wonder if *that feeling* that you describe is a feeling that calls us to the homeland of eternity. . . perhaps married folks still feel it, too?! But yes, I do understand what you mean; a lot of it can be fulfilled here, and I want it too. :-)

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